Losing
an argument, in our household, is a serious matter. Losers are known to sulk
for days. Winners retain unhealthy
levels of smugness for as long. Skill at arguing is considered to be a critical
indicator of intellect. And hence my losing this particular argument was tough
anyway, but because it was on a subject that I considered myself an expert on, but my defeat was an exceptionally hard one.
And
I was actually winning the argument on women’s rights, a few days ago, when
Baba interjected, “But you see things won’t work out for women – their
biological clocks and professional clocks are in complete conflict with each
other.”
This
was clearly not Baba’s own thinking, having insisted on that his own daughters
do otherwise. I looked at him suspiciously. He was reading the newspaper.
“Rubbish,”
I said, “That is such a medieval statement. Who says things like that
nowadays.”
“This
newspaper does,” replied Baba, still not looking up – this boded ill for me.
“Hmpfh.
Conflicting clocks indeed. Must be a man,” I said, picking up my bags – I could
hear the pool cab arriving.
“Not
a man, no. It is a woman – this person that you spoke of so highly the other
day.” He had the smug look of a potential victor. My heart sank.
I
looked at him in dismay, the cab honking impatiently. “Ha. I don’t believe it,
let me come back and read the papers,” I said as I went out of the door.
“Why
wait?” Baba called after me, ”It will be on the internet. Indra Nooyi – the big
boss of Pepsico claims women can’t have it all.”
As
I flung myself into the cab, I knew I had lost this one. Stung, I logged on to
the Net. As I went through the interview that had gone viral on the net, all
the associated discussions around it, and some hitherto neglected research on
Ms. Nooyi, my sense of dismay and disbelief steadily increased.
And in such circumstances, being as I am a
Gupta, a Bengali, a feminist and a person who firmly believes she is heading
toward having it all, I cannot stay silent. My way of life is being threatened
and besides, I have lost an argument. Here then, is what I have to say. At this
point, , the reader may benefit from a quick virtual review of the debate at
the link below and some associated links.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/moiraforbes/2014/07/03/power-woman-indra-nooyi-on-why-women-cant-have-it-all/
1. I shall begin my disagreement with Ms.
Nooyi’s statement by agreeing with her. Agreed, women can’t have it all. But
then, men can’t either. In fact I have always believed that women, with their
natural ability to create life have an immense advantage over men, to start with. The problem is with
women who see this as a disadvantage – not with the Nature’s distribution of
power. To make a public statement of
one’s own limited world view simply gives the chance to everyone to pull you
down. And believe me that list of people in ‘everyone’ is a long one. Including
me.
2. But would you want it all, in the
first place? I would rather have a choice. There is a deep wisdom in the saying
– Be careful what you ask for; you might get it. I think the men are quite clever, by focussing on what they are
good at and portraying it as ‘all’. Shouldn’t we follow suit? If you really
want to copy the men, that is.
3. Ms. Nooyi says in the interview that
women’s professional clocks and biological clocks are in complete conflict. Do I agree? No. And I have three reasons for saying no.
Reason 1: Professional and biological
clocks are not the only two clocks women have. I have many more clocks – a
spiritual clock. A creative clock. A well being clock. A social clock. A
political one. And some. All of these
exist simultaneously in each one of us. If you choose to limit yourself to 2 of
these – the loss is yours. I have chosen not to, as have a couple of million other
women. But the choice not to see and acknowledge that again is yours.
Reason 2: Technically, biology specifies
that the most effective child bearing age is between 18-25 years. That does not
coincide with the peak of our careers. But socially, we have pushed back child
bearing ages, and are more or less unanimous in our agreement that child
bearing before the age of 20 (though most of our grandmothers would not fit
this) is risky. And so, we should not speak of a biological clock – we should
speak of the social one. To smudge the edges of biology and society has been
one of the ways in which patriarchy has succeeded. The choice to remain within
a limiting social structure like patriarchy is again – yours. Not mine.
Reason 3: I do not like clocks. They go tick tock tick
tock and repeat exactly the same task over and over again – if left to
themselves – for eternity. A terrifyingly limiting existence, Ms. N. Not one
that I have chosen.
4. Another example Ms. Nooyi gives of not
having all is in the raising of her children. If her children want to play
Nintendo, her response would be to get a secretary and train him/her in dealing
with her children as she travelled to Tokyo? For many of us – who have no
access to secretaries and/or do not wish to ‘remote control’ our children, the
strategy is different – we teach our children not to play Nintendo. That is
easier than you think – each of us have simple strategies. I have taught my
children 3 things that I love – cycling, swimming and reading – now when we go
for a swim together, I get to spend time with them and get to do what I love.
This also ensures that my children make friends who have the same likes as they
do. For the rest of this argument I have only questions: Do secretaries in
Pepsico get training in dealing with Nintendo playing children? Is this what
the secretarial schools teach nowadays? Also, does Ms. Nooyi realize that the
majority of working women have no secretaries – they ARE often the secretaries?
Does the word ‘cope’ in America apply to children? In India, it is mostly used
for dealing with disease and delayed monsoons.( In fact, if Ms. Nooyi was in
India and ‘coping’ she would have probably been in the Metereological
Department. And not have to worry about clocks of any kind.) But the next
question deserves to be a separate note –
5. And this is the matter of her children
complaining that she doesn’t come for Coffee Mornings in school as they
happened on weekdays. Take the strategy Ms. Nooyi used to deal with this
complaint. She got a list from the school of all the mothers who did not attend
and shared this with her daughters telling them Look! I am not the only bad
mom! There are so many other bad moms. Now her daughters will grow up with the
understanding that yes, my mom’s a bad one. And so are all the other mothers
who do not come to Coffee Mornings. Corollary – all moms who work are bad. All
moms who stay at home and come for coffee mornings are good. Sigh. Ms. N, l
don’t think this works. If you want the world of the masculine, you cannot get
it by using feminine paradigms. As we feminists say – you cannot dismantle the master’s house with
the master’s tools. If you love your children as much as I love mine, you will
find new tools, – that is the challenge and excitement that women have waiting
for them –(and yet you say we don’t have it all) If you take my advice and that
of a couple of million other women, you would influence the school to shift
their Coffee Mornings to a more accessible time – if you’re the boss at an MNC
that has global impact, I am sure you can impact a school. Or you could tell
your daughters that their mom does a very important job – many people besides
her two daughters are dependent on her. That you are proud of what you do. That
being you at office allows you to have children, to love them and give them the
best education that they so much deserve. That it allows you to bring the world
into your home. You could take them to office and show them what you do. You
could tell them that the moms who come to the Coffee Mornings are the good moms
yes. But so are the moms like you who can’t come. If your daughters grow up feeling
the passion that you bring to your life, they will grow up loving you even if
you can’t do Coffee Mornings. And they will grow up believing that women who
work are like their mother - and want to
be like you. Believe me, this works. And from a woman in your position, we
expect that you will aid us in the new tools – not giggle about how the old
tools make you feel guilty – that’s what they are supposed to do.
6.
And
then there is the mother angle. Apparently Ms. N’s own mom is dismissive about
her achievements and asked her to get the milk first when she returned home
with the news of her promotion. She was asked to ‘leave the damned crown in the
garage.’ Now if Ms. N cant organize to get a bottle of milk into her home in
time, will she really be successful in getting millions of bottles of Pepsi
across the world? But that’s an aside. Regarding mothers let me quote from one
of my own earlier posts in this blog: “Make peace with your
mother: She’s most often your safest refuge. Sita did and she got to go back
home when she’d had enough. Draupadi wasn’t so sagacious and she had to satisfy
herself with a rather bloodied revenge.” Actually,
if you were in India, maybe you wouldn’t have had this problem. The only crowns
you would have won would have been the glamorous kinds and we all know that
mothers of suchly crowned women are actually very happy with their daughters.
7.
And
then, there is the question of guilt.
You may want to examine the use
of the word ‘guilt’ and ‘death’. Especially when you wave your papers in the
air and claim that you die of guilt – simply die of guilt. Do remember, women
do die. Simply because they are women – and are born into the house of
patriarchy – the house you seem so intent on protecting. A young aspiring woman
was brutally raped and murdered in my city two Decembers ago. In another
country across the borders, a young girl was shot at because she wanted to go
to school and take more girls with her. No guilt involved here, see? These two
women represent millions of women facing violence. So when you speak of dying, may I suggest you
speak responsibly. And use your position to speak against such crimes –
anything less is not acceptable.
8.
Of
your spouse then. And how he complains about being your spouse. If he does,
examine your relationship, that’s what he’s asking you to do. Don’t waste your
time convincing us that he ‘hurts the most’ – we are not convinced and he is no
happier. But spousal relationships are a tough one and we are all working on it.
And a couple of new tools are presenting themselves. So if you are still using
hackneyed tools, may I suggest that you at least speak in the singular? And not
generalize for all of us.
9.
And
finally as I end my angst filled response, may I suggest you examine the use of
the word ‘all’. It is an impossible word to quantify. And if there is anyone
who does get it all – the winner takes it all, Ms. Nooyi. Just as my father did
when he won this argument. So, if you don’t have it all, yet, it may just mean
you are still not a winner. Or, you may simply be an obtuse person and insist
on looking in the opposite direction while your ‘all’ sits waiting for you –
have you seen the salary Wikipedia claims you are earning? And besides your all
may not be my all. Your all seems limited to the 2 clocks you speak of. The
corollary of this is that women who don’t have both or either of these clocks
cannot have it all. Would it surprise you, Ms. N to know that there are millions
of women who either do not work or do not have children or both – and yet are
happy, contented women, full of the lust for life and making an immense
positive impact on the world around them.
I am privileged to know many of them – in my family, amongst my friends
and among the hundreds of amazing women I have worked with. And I am sorry you
do not know of them – your life then is infinitely poorer than theirs. Or mine.
The lives of women are not about
training, guilt, coping and hurt. And I am sorry to see these appear in the
expressions of a woman who is a path breaker and considered a role model by
many. I hope you will find it in yourself to move beyond those two clocks,
because there is an entire universe out there – challenging, tough as nails, exciting,
infinitely fascinating. To quote from a favourite poem –
“We travel not for the sake of
trafficking alone –
By hotter winds our fiery hearts are
fanned:
For the lust of knowing what should
not be known,
We make the Golden Journey to
Samarkand.”
May you make your Golden Journey and
live to tell us a tale very different from the one you tell us now. Then I may
not mind so much if I have lose an argument.
