Domesticity. And radical social change.

A long time ago, a friend of mine and I sat talking about our future. At that time life was just opening up in a million exciting ways and exploding in all directions – both good and bad. We sat on a little wooden bench in a tiny shed in the remote and stunningly beautiful hillsides of the Chhotanagpur plateau wondering what the future held for us. Twenty years down the line who would we be? Where would we be? We felt it may be an easier task to have a hold on what we would not do, rather than what we would. And my friend and I then set ourselves 3 indicators, which we swore to avoid.  These indicators, true to our then somewhat romantic and intellectual pretensions, took the detailed shape of these 3 visions:

1.    We were standing in a poorly lit kitchen, hair coming loose from a hastily tied bun, wearing a synthetic saree with a blouse that was not matching, cooking over a blackened ‘kadhai’. We looked fatigued and virtuous.

2.    We were running after our infant children, with morsels of food in our hands, pleading and cajoling them to eat a little – just a little, ma. We looked dumpy and virtuous.

3.    We were meeting after 10 years and our conversation was limited to nappies and recipes. We looked vacuous and virtuous.

We made a pact right then, and promised to avoid doing all the above three and use these as our indicators of failure in the years to come. Our joint horror of domesticity, the influence of Bollywood and our own rather non conventional mothers are visible in the details and nature of these three indicators.

Did we succeed? I would say yes. Has it been easy? No. The pressure to conform is immense.

In the twenty years that have elapsed  since that day, my friend and I stayed faithful to our pact. We have stuck to avoiding our indicators, sometimes slipping close to one, sometimes making herculean efforts to avoid another and often, standing aloof and apart and watching with disbelief as other eminently sensible friends and family ticked off one indicator after the other. “Why can’t you be like everyone else?” has been a comment we have heard often. “Why can’t others be like us?” my friend and I have wailed.

And in these twenty years, these carefully detailed indicators (our apologies to all readers who wear synthetic sarees) have turned out to be one of the most potent influences in my life. Every time convention and custom called one of these indicators would rear its head. For example, as I prepared for a parent teacher meeting, chose a plain saree and tied my hair in a severe bun to look the role of a sincere and hardworking parent, one of these visions would rise up in all its melodramatic flamboyance,  and  I would hastily back track. Mostly I have arrived at parent teacher meetings looking, well, let’s say, different from everyone else in the room.

Just in case the reader is beginning to imagine us as anarchists or feminists or activists or all of them together and pictures of austere, angst ridden, dowdily dressed, statistics quoting middle aged women are beginning to take shape in your head, let me assure you that only the middle aged, feminist and activist bits are true. Both my friend and I are proud home makers and contented parents to 2 children. Our homes are full of things we love – books, music, children, friends, family, dogs, gardens, paintings, maps, food and more books. We have travelled the world. Like most others, we have had our share of good times and the bad. If you meet us now, you will see two contented, eccentric, determined women, with a clear and usually singular opinion on most things in life and not shy of voicing them, ready for a good laugh and a good trip, a good book and a good cup of tea. We are mostly tranquil, sometimes grumpy and yes, a few times also sad. We have our kitchens (excellent ones, mind you) but have not been limited to them. We have our children (lovely ones, you’ll see) but have not been limited by them. We have our conversations (soul satisfying, as always) but they are never virtuous. By our standards, we succeeded.

And since this is a blog about my own experiences, I cannot end by only telling you that we succeeded. I must tell you how I succeeded.  Here then, are my tried and tested strategies of response when conformism and virtuosity are leaning heavily on your door. Mostly such bulwarks of social stability exist in the form of the general population who spend an immense amount of resources trying to get you to follow the herd. When they do,

1.    Learn to smile. But smile knowingly and enigmatically. Most people find women who smile knowingly a little scary, if not creepy. Do note the difference between smiling ‘nicely’ and smiling ‘knowingly.’ The latter has an element of superiority. Smile especially in times of anger. Hide your anger, but show your smile. When I have responded with anger, the argument has turned righteous and virtuous, and I have been left isolated, furious and worst – I have lost the argument. But when I have remained silent and smiled slowly and knowingly, I have always won the argument. Additional benefit of this strategy: Enjoy the confusion one creates by choosing not to respond exactly at the time when people are gathering around to watch you explode. 

2.    Pick a non committal word or phrase that allows you to respond, but not give anything away. Like “Really?” or “Is that so?” or “Indeed.” My mother tongue, Bengali has an outstanding phrase in this category –“Tai, na?” Apologies to my non Bengali speaking readers – it is almost impossible to translate. The primary objective here is to refrain from committing to anything you will regret later and/or participate in a pointless argument. The combination of this phrase with Point # 1 or with a raised eyebrow can give you 95% success.

3.    Have role models of who you do not want to become. That works better than having role models of whom you do want to become. If social pressure becomes too much and you start thinking of replacing your one dish party menu with a 4 course sit down meal, instead of sensibly completing the chapter of the book you were reading, train yourself to respond to this situation by remembering Auntie M.

4.    Have the correct friends. This one is the most important.

Since you will definitely benefit from this short hand book on initiating radical social change, do return the favour and share your strategies too.

The Golden Journey to Samarkand

Losing an argument, in our household, is a serious matter. Losers are known to sulk for days. Winners  retain unhealthy levels of smugness for as long. Skill at arguing is considered to be a critical indicator of intellect. And hence my losing this particular argument was tough anyway, but because it was on a subject that I considered myself an expert on,  but my defeat was an exceptionally hard one.

And I was actually winning the argument on women’s rights, a few days ago, when Baba interjected, “But you see things won’t work out for women – their biological clocks and professional clocks are in complete conflict with each other.”

This was clearly not Baba’s own thinking, having insisted on that his own daughters do otherwise. I looked at him suspiciously. He was reading the newspaper.

“Rubbish,” I said, “That is such a medieval statement. Who says things like that nowadays.”

“This newspaper does,” replied Baba, still not looking up – this boded ill for me.

“Hmpfh. Conflicting clocks indeed. Must be a man,” I said, picking up my bags – I could hear the pool cab arriving.

“Not a man, no. It is a woman – this person that you spoke of so highly the other day.” He had the smug look of a potential victor. My heart sank.

I looked at him in dismay, the cab honking impatiently. “Ha. I don’t believe it, let me come back and read the papers,” I said as I went out of the door.

“Why wait?” Baba called after me, ”It will be on the internet. Indra Nooyi – the big boss of Pepsico claims women can’t have it all.”

As I flung myself into the cab, I knew I had lost this one. Stung, I logged on to the Net. As I went through the interview that had gone viral on the net, all the associated discussions around it, and some hitherto neglected research on Ms. Nooyi, my sense of dismay and disbelief steadily increased.   

 And in such circumstances, being as I am a Gupta, a Bengali, a feminist and a person who firmly believes she is heading toward having it all, I cannot stay silent. My way of life is being threatened and besides, I have lost an argument. Here then, is what I have to say. At this point, , the reader may benefit from a quick virtual review of the debate at the link below and some associated links.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/moiraforbes/2014/07/03/power-woman-indra-nooyi-on-why-women-cant-have-it-all/

1.    I shall begin my disagreement with Ms. Nooyi’s statement by agreeing with her. Agreed, women can’t have it all. But then, men can’t either. In fact I have always believed that women, with their natural ability to create life have an immense advantage  over men, to start with. The problem is with women who see this as a disadvantage – not with the Nature’s distribution of power.  To make a public statement of one’s own limited world view simply gives the chance to everyone to pull you down. And believe me that list of people in ‘everyone’ is a long one. Including me.

2.    But would you want it all, in the first place? I would rather have a choice. There is a deep wisdom in the saying – Be careful what you ask for; you might get it. I think the men are  quite clever, by focussing on what they are good at and portraying it as ‘all’. Shouldn’t we follow suit? If you really want to copy the men, that is.

3.    Ms. Nooyi says in the interview that women’s professional clocks and biological clocks are in complete conflict.  Do I agree? No. And I have three reasons for saying no.

Reason 1: Professional and biological clocks are not the only two clocks women have. I have many more clocks – a spiritual clock. A creative clock. A well being clock. A social clock. A political one.  And some. All of these exist simultaneously in each one of us. If you choose to limit yourself to 2 of these – the loss is yours. I have chosen not to, as have a couple of million other women. But the choice not to see and acknowledge that again is yours.

Reason 2: Technically, biology specifies that the most effective child bearing age is between 18-25 years. That does not coincide with the peak of our careers. But socially, we have pushed back child bearing ages, and are more or less unanimous in our agreement that child bearing before the age of 20 (though most of our grandmothers would not fit this) is risky. And so, we should not speak of a biological clock – we should speak of the social one. To smudge the edges of biology and society has been one of the ways in which patriarchy has succeeded. The choice to remain within a limiting social structure like patriarchy is again – yours. Not mine.

Reason 3:  I do not like clocks. They go tick tock tick tock and repeat exactly the same task over and over again – if left to themselves – for eternity. A terrifyingly limiting existence, Ms. N. Not one that I have chosen.

4.    Another example Ms. Nooyi gives of not having all is in the raising of her children. If her children want to play Nintendo, her response would be to get a secretary and train him/her in dealing with her children as she travelled to Tokyo? For many of us – who have no access to secretaries and/or do not wish to ‘remote control’ our children, the strategy is different – we teach our children not to play Nintendo. That is easier than you think – each of us have simple strategies. I have taught my children 3 things that I love – cycling, swimming and reading – now when we go for a swim together, I get to spend time with them and get to do what I love. This also ensures that my children make friends who have the same likes as they do. For the rest of this argument I have only questions: Do secretaries in Pepsico get training in dealing with Nintendo playing children? Is this what the secretarial schools teach nowadays? Also, does Ms. Nooyi realize that the majority of working women have no secretaries – they ARE often the secretaries? Does the word ‘cope’ in America apply to children? In India, it is mostly used for dealing with disease and delayed monsoons.( In fact, if Ms. Nooyi was in India and ‘coping’ she would have probably been in the Metereological Department. And not have to worry about clocks of any kind.) But the next question deserves to be a separate note –

5.    And this is the matter of her children complaining that she doesn’t come for Coffee Mornings in school as they happened on weekdays. Take the strategy Ms. Nooyi used to deal with this complaint. She got a list from the school of all the mothers who did not attend and shared this with her daughters telling them Look! I am not the only bad mom! There are so many other bad moms. Now her daughters will grow up with the understanding that yes, my mom’s a bad one. And so are all the other mothers who do not come to Coffee Mornings. Corollary – all moms who work are bad. All moms who stay at home and come for coffee mornings are good. Sigh. Ms. N, l don’t think this works. If you want the world of the masculine, you cannot get it by using feminine paradigms. As we feminists say  – you cannot dismantle the master’s house with the master’s tools. If you love your children as much as I love mine, you will find new tools, – that is the challenge and excitement that women have waiting for them –(and yet you say we don’t have it all) If you take my advice and that of a couple of million other women, you would influence the school to shift their Coffee Mornings to a more accessible time – if you’re the boss at an MNC that has global impact, I am sure you can impact a school. Or you could tell your daughters that their mom does a very important job – many people besides her two daughters are dependent on her. That you are proud of what you do. That being you at office allows you to have children, to love them and give them the best education that they so much deserve. That it allows you to bring the world into your home. You could take them to office and show them what you do. You could tell them that the moms who come to the Coffee Mornings are the good moms yes. But so are the moms like you who can’t come. If your daughters grow up feeling the passion that you bring to your life, they will grow up loving you even if you can’t do Coffee Mornings. And they will grow up believing that women who work are like their mother -  and want to be like you. Believe me, this works. And from a woman in your position, we expect that you will aid us in the new tools – not giggle about how the old tools make you feel guilty – that’s what they are supposed to do.

6.    And then there is the mother angle. Apparently Ms. N’s own mom is dismissive about her achievements and asked her to get the milk first when she returned home with the news of her promotion. She was asked to ‘leave the damned crown in the garage.’ Now if Ms. N cant organize to get a bottle of milk into her home in time, will she really be successful in getting millions of bottles of Pepsi across the world? But that’s an aside. Regarding mothers let me quote from one of my own earlier posts in this blog: “Make peace with your mother: She’s most often your safest refuge. Sita did and she got to go back home when she’d had enough. Draupadi wasn’t so sagacious and she had to satisfy herself with a rather bloodied revenge.” Actually, if you were in India, maybe you wouldn’t have had this problem. The only crowns you would have won would have been the glamorous kinds and we all know that mothers of suchly crowned women are actually very happy with their daughters.

7.    And then, there is the question of guilt.  You may want to  examine the use of the word ‘guilt’ and ‘death’. Especially when you wave your papers in the air and claim that you die of guilt – simply die of guilt. Do remember, women do die. Simply because they are women – and are born into the house of patriarchy – the house you seem so intent on protecting. A young aspiring woman was brutally raped and murdered in my city two Decembers ago. In another country across the borders, a young girl was shot at because she wanted to go to school and take more girls with her. No guilt involved here, see? These two women represent millions of women facing violence.  So when you speak of dying, may I suggest you speak responsibly. And use your position to speak against such crimes – anything less is not acceptable.

8.    Of your spouse then. And how he complains about being your spouse. If he does, examine your relationship, that’s what he’s asking you to do. Don’t waste your time convincing us that he ‘hurts the most’ – we are not convinced and he is no happier. But spousal relationships are a tough one and we are all working on it. And a couple of new tools are presenting themselves. So if you are still using hackneyed tools, may I suggest that you at least speak in the singular? And not generalize for all of us.

9.    And finally as I end my angst filled response, may I suggest you examine the use of the word ‘all’. It is an impossible word to quantify. And if there is anyone who does get it all – the winner takes it all, Ms. Nooyi. Just as my father did when he won this argument. So, if you don’t have it all, yet, it may just mean you are still not a winner. Or, you may simply be an obtuse person and insist on looking in the opposite direction while your ‘all’ sits waiting for you – have you seen the salary Wikipedia claims you are earning? And besides your all may not be my all. Your all seems limited to the 2 clocks you speak of. The corollary of this is that women who don’t have both or either of these clocks cannot have it all. Would it surprise you, Ms. N to know that there are millions of women who either do not work or do not have children or both – and yet are happy, contented women, full of the lust for life and making an immense positive impact on the world around them.  I am privileged to know many of them – in my family, amongst my friends and among the hundreds of amazing women I have worked with. And I am sorry you do not know of them – your life then is infinitely poorer than theirs. Or mine.

The lives of women are not about training, guilt, coping and hurt. And I am sorry to see these appear in the expressions of a woman who is a path breaker and considered a role model by many. I hope you will find it in yourself to move beyond those two clocks, because there is an entire universe out there – challenging, tough as nails, exciting, infinitely fascinating. To quote from a favourite poem –

“We travel not for the sake of trafficking alone –

By hotter winds our fiery hearts are fanned:

For the lust of knowing what should not be known,

We make the Golden Journey to Samarkand.”

May you make your Golden Journey and live to tell us a tale very different from the one you tell us now. Then I may not mind so much if I have lose an argument.

Maybe.

I have a small, select list of the compliments that I have received that have meant  a lot to me. Of these, some are related to my being a mother. One of them was made observing how both my daughters were growing up to be happy and well balanced children – that I was The One With A Golden Womb – “Shwarnagarbha” in Bengali. And the second was made during an intense discussion on parenting when some of my younger friends told me that I wore my motherhood like a medal of honour. I still treasure both compliments.  And I am a very hands on and proud mother. My children stand at the centre of my life.

And yet, I have always been conscious of the impact and influence of motherhood on my sense of womanhood. Over the years of my work with women’s rights and my own experience of motherhood, I have seen the immense anguish, angst and trauma that the concept of motherhood creates in our lives. And this is true for those of us who have had to give birth when they do not wish to, those of us who have given birth under luckier circumstances, those of us who cannot give birth, those of us who have not been able to give birth and those of us who do not wish to give birth. And all of us are real living women. And in meeting them, I have often felt maybe we have walked down the wrong road. Maybe if we had taken another road –

Maybe our existing concept of womanhood based on motherhood is incomplete.

Maybe the physical act of giving birth was only one of the hundreds of creative and life giving tasks that women were able to perform.

Maybe we were to learn from this act of giving birth to our children our other natural abilities –to create, to breathe life into, to nurture, to be fearless in the face of death, to have courage, determination, stamina, joy, the ability to withstand pain and loss, to be naturally and immensely creative and powerful.

Maybe we were to bring this power to our minds and our souls also.

Maybe the one million ova that every female child is born with was symbolic of every woman’s ability to create – to bring to life many things in our bodies, souls and minds.

Maybe our ancient cultures, those that were closer to nature, understood instinctively this innate power of women to create – to make fertile all that came her way – her womb, her home, her people, the earth, the ideas, the skills. And hence our first gods were goddesses.

Maybe in those ancient days, when our sisters of long ago lived with the full power of the feminine, our menstrual cycles were days of joy and celebration and sharing with the world – I am alive! I can create! I bear life breath! I am powerful!

Maybe we were really ten armed and ten headed.

Maybe over the years, we began to disregard our power over all other creations of the mind and soul and chose to create only with our bodies.

Maybe in doing so, our goddesses were turned into stone. Or into idols made of the earth we forgot to make fertile.

Maybe much of our troubles today arise from this limiting of our womanhood to the fertility of the body only – however unforgettable, precious and life changing the experience of child birth and parenting is.

Maybe in our obsession with the fertility of our bodies, our minds and souls lie fallow, untended and infertile, releasing their poisons into those very bodies that house the children of tomorrow.

Maybe in doing so we have given up our powers that were once naturally ours – and worse – divided ourselves against those of us who cannot or do not wish to have children.
Maybe in our uni dimensional focus on our body's creative potential, we have slowly forgotten to create and nurture ideas, skills, relationships.

Maybe we have all – including every generation of children that we are so proud to have borne, paid an incalculable price for having linked our woman hood to our bodies only.  

Maybe many of us reading this already know this to be true.

Maybe we should now start teaching every female child as she grows up – that your existence is the partnership of a triumvirate – your body, your mind and your soul. All three are equal in their ability and potential to give birth – to a child, to an idea, to a relationship. And all are equally valuable to humanity.

And then maybe we would see all women as equal, as they truly are. And only once we see ourselves as complete and equal can we hope for any real equality with the rest of the world.

Survival and the dangers of free cheese

Being by nature rather intolerant, I am routinely irritated by people asking me on divers occasions how I managed  work and home together for so many years. My answer is usually characteristic, “I managed all of that because I managed myself. Don’t you?” But I find that on being asked this question, most other people tend to give extensive advice, reading suggestions, recommendations of classes to attend, food to eat, perfume to wear, places to travel to, etc. Being suitably impressed by a colleague’s similar advice yesterday, I have decided that I have been grumpy and selfish for too long. So I will no longer snap at others, but will share my insights and experience with all and sundry.

To start with, in keeping with what seems to be a very popular kind of advice – here is a  (characteristic) list of ‘Survival Tips’ to help you manage and invest in yourself.

1.      20 years ago, in a remote, rain drenched, river bordered village in South Bengal, I spent two days in the house of the local powerhouse – Bakul Boudi. In those two days, I understood clearly that in her village and in everything that was connected to it, Bakul Boudi was the final word. Tiny, wasp like and supremely in control, she raised 4 daughters of her own and 3 more of her brothers-in-law. At the time of my visit, all of them were either studying or working – all over the age by when most other girls in villages were married. Of course, I asked Bakul Boudi the inevitable question – why were they not married?

“Why should they be?” replied Bakul Boudi.

“Because everyone else does marry,”

“Does it help them?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I replied, and catching her eye, realised it was better I kept quiet.

“Well, I would have got them married you know. But only if it would assure them 100% access to Heaven,” she said. “Since it doesn’t, as you and I both know, I think it is better that they are engaged in doing things they want to.” I do not remember hearing rousing music in the background, but I think that is only because the rain had blanketed out any other sound.

Survival tip #1:  Say yes to something, only if it brings you a little closer to heaven. If it doesn’t, say no.

2. 10 years ago, I was discussing a recent phase of my life with a sister in law I admired greatly. We were discussing the decisions we had taken in our lives – under very different circumstances, both of us had broken stereotypes to take decisions that were unusual. And she told me how she regretted that girls and women in our society were never taught to take decisions with themselves in the centre of the decision. “Such a simple thing, you would think,” she said, “But we are taught to think of everyone else but ourselves.”

And she said that if we did take decisions with ourselves at the centre of it, people would say we were selfish. And that in this subtle way, we subconsciously learnt to compromise and adjust with the world – so much so that one day, this would become a full fledged habit and we would be unable to imagine we were doing anything wrong by sacrificing ourselves. For that moment as she and I sat in silence, each reflecting on our own lives, the concrete jungles of Colaba Causeway seemed far easier to navigate than our own minds.

Survival tip # 2: Always take a decision with yourself at the centre of it. That is the only way you will be true to yourself and have control over your life.

3. Recently I had quoted one of my favourite poets in keeping with events happening around us:

“When lovely woman stoops to folly

And finds too late that men betray

What charm can soothe her melancholy

What art can wash her guilt away.”

Having always found these lines to be full of meaning in so many ways, I quote this here to highlight the last line – the guilt of the woman. We know we are party to the betrayal because we have stooped (though men can betray even if women don’t stoop, but that would be a topic for another post) – we have not been able to say no.

I am increasingly of the opinion that the majority of our problems stem from not being able to say no. And if we do say no, we tend not to explain why we are saying no. Even Feminism says a simple ‘no’ should be enough – why is an explanation necessary? I say the explanation is possibly the most important part of saying no – if one is truthful about it. Take the stereotype of a woman saying no to a man’s ‘affections.’ If one says only no, one runs the terrible risk of being considered coy. If, on the other hand, I provide the true explanation – “No, I cannot return your affection because I am attracted only to intelligent men,” my refusal is complete and unambiguous. You can choose - frank and opinionated? Or gentle and coy?

Survival Tip # 3: Say no fearlessly. And always explain yourself. Truthfully.

Having practised all the above – sometimes with success, sometimes not so, I can say that none of them come easy, but no good things in life come easy, do they? Like they say, the only free cheese is in a mousetrap. You’ll pay a price for trying them out, yes. But then you are anyway paying a price for not trying…… 

The problems of asking questions.

I have often been told I look a lot like my father. Of late, I think I am becoming more like my father in some habits. Like going through the newspaper headlines in the morning as dismissing everyone and everything with "Ghora'r dim. Bunch of idiots." (Apologies, but an English translation of these two Bengali words is beyond my capacity) But having added to the Gupta genes with a few decades of social change and rural development, I cannot be so dismissive, though I am so often tempted to be. So I will explain myself. Patiently.

In the true traditions of my family, I always have A Theory. This one is on the process of social change. And this is: “We have forgotten to ask the correct questions.” And in the true tradition of my family, I am tempted to dismiss everyone else except us as having any clue to effective questioning, but we no longer live in times of good old harmless adda. Today, everyone has a question, never mind that the question is irrelevant. Like Alice’s, when she asks the Cheshire Cat which is the way. The Cheshire Cat asks her if she knows where she is going. Alice replies she does not. The Cheshire Cat very helpfully tells her that if she does not know where she is going then the choice of road does not matter – any road will get her there. The idea is to first want to know where to go.

To help you along this line of thinking, please find outlined below a few examples. Do not complain about me being high handed. This is decidedly less hazardous than a Sunday morning discussion between my father’s brothers and their families. So here goes……

1.      Circumstance: A man enters an ATM while a lady is using it. He proceeds to rob her, and then to assault her in the most brutal manner.

Questions posed by media: Why did the security system of the banks fail? What are the lapses in such systems? Why are banks not more careful?

Questions that should have been asked: Why did the control of the assaulting man fail? What were the lapses in his sanity? Why are men not more careful?

2.     

Circumstance: A young female employee accuses her influential, established boss of sexual harassment.

Question asked by influential, established politician: Why employ female staff? They would always bring with them the accusations of sexual harassment.

Question that should have been asked: Why employ men?

3.      Circumstance: The Supreme Court withholds its potential to give its support to the rights of homosexual people.

Questions asked: Is the Supreme Court not pushing us back to the middle ages?

Questions that I wanted to ask: The Middle Ages for India was actually a good time. Good emperors and no wars and all that. The Middle Ages were regressive only in Europe. And once you have got your history right, and still want to follow Europe, there’s a lot more you would need to do, besides diversity. May I suggest that we start with driving and road rules?

4.      Circumstance: An Indian diplomat is caught in an uncomfortable spotlight for her treatment of her domestic help.

Questions in an ear numbing debate on TV: How could the US do this to a diplomat?

Questions I want to ask: Why, in a country where domestic help (the way we Indians know it) is practically non existent, would you want to take along from your homeland one person as your servant? And worse, - is this domestic help is being paid with the money I give as tax?

A very dear friend of mine had a favourite reply to uncomfortable questions. When asked one such question, she would raise an eyebrow, look virtuous and decimate you with her answer, “Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.” Very relevant, don’t you think? With the asking of a question also comes the responsibility of dealing with the answer. Which is possibly the reason none of us ever ask others,“Am I a bore?” Which may also be the reason that we shirk from asking the real questions.

Maybe we should start risking the replies and asking the questions anyway. Even though we may, deep down, already know the answers. Like the answer to my questions on the use of my tax money. Sigh.

A Kick In Time.

A young Indian film maker, known for his angst driven and violence ridden films has made a short film on violence against women. This film, set in what is possibly meant to be a typical urban space shows what is possibly meant to be, or at least the film maker assumes to be the typical violence women face.

Very briefly, the film shows two young women, both preparing to go to work being lectured to by their family not do so. In the background ghastly instances of rape and violence against women are being played out. The 2 women meet, collect a third woman friend and leave their housing compound only to be met with more harassment, both verbal and physical by a bunch of goons hanging about near the gate. One of the girls gets caught up in the harassment while the other 2 escape. The two escapees get on to a bus where they are again subject to abuse by a loutish co passenger. One of the girls decides to hit him below the belt and the man meekly leaves them alone after being winded. The girl left behind reaches her office where she appears to be the only girl again subject to all the unwanted and ugly attentions of the men in her office.

The girls meet in the evening and share how one of them hit one of the men in the bus. They seem to find it interesting. The next scene shows them at a self defence class. It is already dark and the shirt clad, cigarette smoking female self defence instructor tells the girls she will escort them home. And they should call her once they reach their flats. On the way they are waylaid by the first set of goons and finally decide to hit back, with their instructor standing on the fringes and looking on impassively. A crowd collects to see the 3 girls fighting back but no one helps them. Or even says anything.

The next shot shows the brother of one of the girls making tea for a change and telling his sister that he had been thinking of giving these boys a beating and he was very glad that she had done it. The End.

Having been subjected to all 24 minutes of this film, I felt very very sorry for the director. And very upset about how society has failed him. And how, as a feminist, we have failed to reach out to the young leaders of our country. And so I have decided to write him a letter to console him that all is not lost – he is young, he may still find the Truth. Here is the letter:

“Dear Anurag,

I take the liberty of addressing you thus because of your age. If I had a son, he would have been your age. But if I had a son, he would have probably been more sensitive to a few issues that I’d like to talk to you about. My daughters are.

I guess you have understood by now that I am not talking about the Gangs of Wasseypur. Now about this short film genre that you have decided to venture into, I would like to point out a few things and give you some advice.

1.     1. Your teachers have failed you. I see they have not been very successful in convincing you about one of the fundamentals of communication. And this is to be successful in conveying the one single core message very clearly. In spite of 2 decades of work on women’s rights I stand completely confused after seeing this film. What was your point, young man? What did you want your audience to understand? This remains as dark as the feel of your film.

2.    2.  You have also not been taught to do any research! This is an unforgiveable lapse in your higher studies. And so, you have also not been talking to anyone about men and women. And therefore your film shows this unidimensional, stereotypical paradigm of ugly men and unhappy women living in a relentlessly dark world. You poor child! In the world that we inhabit, Anurag, we do many more things. If you had spoken to some women who survived violence, you would find that they tend to have energy, determination, - a sense of purpose. And they are tough. That’s why they are called survivors. If you had broken a few stereotypes yourself, you would have been able to portray the high that comes from winning a battle fought without guns and armies – the high that most survivors will invariably project. And oh, these women laugh, alright? I met a woman in rural Bangladesh who keeps a length of rope beneath her bed. It looks old and unused. When I asked her what it was, she laughed out loud and told me that she kept it as a reminder of the days in which she was contemplating suicide as she could not bear the abuse of her husband. She would go around with this rope tucked into her saree surveying which tree in her village would be the most suitable to die on. She then realised that she was not the one who should go and decided to fight back. She now lives a more peaceful life, but kept the rope to remind her how silly she had once been. And this woman wasn’t giggling coyly. She had a laugh that could be heard in the next mohalla.

3.    3. While you definitely haven’t understood women, what I am saddened more about is your complete inability to understand your own gender, young man. Such poor social skills in one so young. And that is such a sad thing. I am trying to imagine how difficult it must be for you to go about life seeing all men as wimps and/or perpetrators and having to accept your self as one such. As we would say in Bengali, “Aha, ki koshto!” But if your life would have been different, you would have known men as good fathers, loving brothers, dutiful sons, understanding husbands and great friends. Granted there aren’t too many of them around, but there are some. Why, with the power of cinema in your hands would you choose to portray the very worst? Go back to Point 1 – what was your point in the first place?

4.   4.  Also, I see your life is very restricted. For example, you have not met too many female self defence instructors. The one I work with is furious with the one you have portrayed in your short film. The lady I work with wears bright salwar suits,  black nail polish, does her long hair in a French braid, wears red lipstick, drives a fluorescent pink scooty, arrives at school for her hour long session with her 3 year old child in tow and is always smiling. Not only do her students want to be a black belt like their Ma’m, they also want black nail polish and a pink scooty when they grow up.

5.    5.  And further in this list of how we have failed you is not being able to show you that violence can never be cured with more violence. Have you ever seen our country go to war with any other country? Even when we are pushed into a corner, we dither. In spite of a massive sense of outrage that women feel when subjected to the numerous discriminations and harassments, they know instinctively that slapping and kicking and punching is not the final answer. It will help deal with an immediate circumstance of possible violence, but what is needed to prevent and deal with violence against women is dialogue, negotiations, solidarity, public awareness, building alliances – all with some help from the law. And where unspeakable violence has already happen, as it unfortunately does from time to time – the very strictest and immediate punishments. Here I can add my own experience – as a woman I have had my share of discrimination and violence and have often felt deeply compelled to throw bricks at some men. But I have also always known that brick throwing would never be adequate getting back at them. This doesn’t mean we are a gentle, sweet, all forgiving lot. It just means we are tougher than you think – Gandhi ji did get the British out, didn’t he?

6.    6.  Further – in spite of the education and exposure you have apparently had, you have also not understood the main arena of violence faced by women – their own homes. What happens to these women when the perpetrators are their own fathers, brothers, husbands? Would a well timed kick help then? Would the impassive cigarette smoking instructor be allowed in to their homes to stand by and observe?

7.     7. And then, coming to the crux of the issue: like all fundamental and universal Truths, the Truth about violence against women is also very simple. Unlike your belief, women do not face violence  because they do not protest against it. Women face violence because every social institution and relationship - including you and me - sanctions this violence. And hence, repeating these sanctions, as your film does, will not stop violence against women. To quote a favourite feminist quote of mine, “You cannot break the masters house with the master’s tools.” The only way to do so is to build new tools, build new relationships, explore alternatives, create role models, learn new ways of doing things together – build new systems and institutions of strength, support and solidarity. Hundreds and thousands of people – both men and women are doing so. Why haven’t you been able to keep up with things? And while we are on the subject, why haven’t you read any feminist literature before making this film? Point #2 again…..

As someone who is very concerned about the quality of the next generation (having contributed 2 individuals to it myself) I shall be very happy indeed to help you out with all these problems that you face. As the generation signing out on the register, it is my duty to do so. I also have a deep and abiding faith in the next generation’s ability to build a more equal world than ours. So I am sure you will do your bit. Do not agonise about the past. The future is still yours for the taking. All you have to do is work a little harder. 

You can start with seeing the film Phata Poster Nikla Hero. Yes, yes, I know that may be below what you assume your intellectual status to be. But the mother's role int he film can be of serious educative value to you. See it. You might also benefit from the singing and dancing.....

Till then, I remain,

Sincerely yours,

MG  

The slaying of demons and other important guidelines

This is a simple and practical guide to prevent violence against women – and thus, a guide to the slaying of demons, amongst other things. Being a firm believer in equality, I believe that both men and women play an equal role here. And this being the festival season (in India), I also believe there is much wisdom in our traditions and myths that we can learn from what we are celebrating right now. As Ram – the manifestation of the perfect masculine defeats the ten headed demon king and Durga – the manifestation of the ultimate feminine conquers and kills the buffalo headed demon, read on as to what we lesser men and women can learn from their stories.

Ladies first:

1.    Choose your associations with care: The Goddess is incomparably beautiful, but she is known more for her ten armed prowess, her riding of a lion or for her power. Since we do not possess Her beauty, I do insist that we take care of what we have. Do buying the new CC cream if you must. And if you are fully committed to contributing to the wealth of BB, CC and DD cream makers (I have it on good authority that there is a DD cream being readied for the market.) But do not let this deter you from being known more for your intellect and strength. Be beautiful, yes. But be also powerful.  Or actually, be powerful. And also beautiful.

2.     Learn to be independently mobile: All those centuries ago, in spite of having her nose cut off, Surpanakha made it back to Sri Lanka from the jungles of Central India. Sita didn’t know even the jungles she lived in, so she couldn’t be left alone even in her own home. And once abducted,  had to wait about for her husband to come rescue her. And of course we know what happened to Sita after she was rescued by her husband. So, get out the maps, get that driving license and learn some good, soul satisfying swear words. Walk. Cycle. Buy your own tickets. Travel your own road.

3.     Learn to negotiate: Look how Kaikeyi stored away her boon and at what time of strategic importance she put it out on the table. No, I am not advising that we become heartless like Kaikeyi (though that is only public opinion – I do not think she was heartless – she only wanted the best for her child.) but I am advising that we stop  willingly sacrificing ourselves to all and sundry. Self-sacrifice is detrimental to self-esteem. In case you are having doubts, return to Sita’s story.

4.     Make peace with your mother: She’s most often your safest refuge. Sita did and she got to go back home when she’d had enough. Draupadi wasn’t so sagacious and she had to satisfy herself with a rather bloodied revenge.

5.     Do not be afraid of destruction: Durga is the Mother Goddess, but in all her 10 arms, she carries a symbol of destruction. And each of us who is willing to admit, we all know that mothering involves immense discipline and hardness of heart. And so does being a woman. So don’t be fooled into believing being a woman is only about nurturing and caring. Your demons are meant to be cared for. They are meant to be slayed. So if they pay you a visit, slay them. Don’t dither. Don’t whine. Do not procrastinate. Slay.

And now for the gentlemen:

1.     Apply the Lakshman Rekha to self: Keep a check on yourself. Only demons stand outside the limits of greed and want. It has been said that if it had been Lehman Sisters the global economy would have been different today.

2.     Set better examples of masculinity: For example, find a better way of saying ‘no’. If you cut off noses of women who express their desire for you - they will stop desiring you and worse, may decide to do the very same to you when you express your desire for them. You can decide which one is worse. I am a little confused by now.

3.     Work hard, very hard: Money and a fast car aren’t going to slay your demons. You will need the power of Durga to do so. But each of you will have to call forth your own Durga. And do remember even the gods had to enter into deep, universe stopping meditation to bring forth a Durga powerful enough to kill Mahishasura.  So get down to some serious work. And for each of us who is willing to admit, the soul is a harder taskmaster than the bank balance.

4.     Refrain from long absences: Follow your dharma and stick around to do what you are meant to do. Do not wander about in jungles and leave your subjects/wives/parents/children/kingdoms in the lurch. If you are a king, then rule. Do not listen to step mothers or worse, do not gamble. We all know what happens when you do.

5.     Skip the ego trip: I cannot stress the importance of this one. Just as I could not find a single character in these myths that did not take this trip. Perhaps you could be the first one to break the stereotype. Not a bad idea, that one. Who knows, 3000 years later, you could be at the centre of a Very Different Epic. A little bit of waiting yes, but worth it.

The author of this blog is convinced that by following such simple measures, women will be happier women and men happier men. And the the world will no longer be welcoming to any demons - in your mind or mine.