Survival and the dangers of free cheese

Being by nature rather intolerant, I am routinely irritated by people asking me on divers occasions how I managed  work and home together for so many years. My answer is usually characteristic, “I managed all of that because I managed myself. Don’t you?” But I find that on being asked this question, most other people tend to give extensive advice, reading suggestions, recommendations of classes to attend, food to eat, perfume to wear, places to travel to, etc. Being suitably impressed by a colleague’s similar advice yesterday, I have decided that I have been grumpy and selfish for too long. So I will no longer snap at others, but will share my insights and experience with all and sundry.

To start with, in keeping with what seems to be a very popular kind of advice – here is a  (characteristic) list of ‘Survival Tips’ to help you manage and invest in yourself.

1.      20 years ago, in a remote, rain drenched, river bordered village in South Bengal, I spent two days in the house of the local powerhouse – Bakul Boudi. In those two days, I understood clearly that in her village and in everything that was connected to it, Bakul Boudi was the final word. Tiny, wasp like and supremely in control, she raised 4 daughters of her own and 3 more of her brothers-in-law. At the time of my visit, all of them were either studying or working – all over the age by when most other girls in villages were married. Of course, I asked Bakul Boudi the inevitable question – why were they not married?

“Why should they be?” replied Bakul Boudi.

“Because everyone else does marry,”

“Does it help them?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I replied, and catching her eye, realised it was better I kept quiet.

“Well, I would have got them married you know. But only if it would assure them 100% access to Heaven,” she said. “Since it doesn’t, as you and I both know, I think it is better that they are engaged in doing things they want to.” I do not remember hearing rousing music in the background, but I think that is only because the rain had blanketed out any other sound.

Survival tip #1:  Say yes to something, only if it brings you a little closer to heaven. If it doesn’t, say no.

2. 10 years ago, I was discussing a recent phase of my life with a sister in law I admired greatly. We were discussing the decisions we had taken in our lives – under very different circumstances, both of us had broken stereotypes to take decisions that were unusual. And she told me how she regretted that girls and women in our society were never taught to take decisions with themselves in the centre of the decision. “Such a simple thing, you would think,” she said, “But we are taught to think of everyone else but ourselves.”

And she said that if we did take decisions with ourselves at the centre of it, people would say we were selfish. And that in this subtle way, we subconsciously learnt to compromise and adjust with the world – so much so that one day, this would become a full fledged habit and we would be unable to imagine we were doing anything wrong by sacrificing ourselves. For that moment as she and I sat in silence, each reflecting on our own lives, the concrete jungles of Colaba Causeway seemed far easier to navigate than our own minds.

Survival tip # 2: Always take a decision with yourself at the centre of it. That is the only way you will be true to yourself and have control over your life.

3. Recently I had quoted one of my favourite poets in keeping with events happening around us:

“When lovely woman stoops to folly

And finds too late that men betray

What charm can soothe her melancholy

What art can wash her guilt away.”

Having always found these lines to be full of meaning in so many ways, I quote this here to highlight the last line – the guilt of the woman. We know we are party to the betrayal because we have stooped (though men can betray even if women don’t stoop, but that would be a topic for another post) – we have not been able to say no.

I am increasingly of the opinion that the majority of our problems stem from not being able to say no. And if we do say no, we tend not to explain why we are saying no. Even Feminism says a simple ‘no’ should be enough – why is an explanation necessary? I say the explanation is possibly the most important part of saying no – if one is truthful about it. Take the stereotype of a woman saying no to a man’s ‘affections.’ If one says only no, one runs the terrible risk of being considered coy. If, on the other hand, I provide the true explanation – “No, I cannot return your affection because I am attracted only to intelligent men,” my refusal is complete and unambiguous. You can choose - frank and opinionated? Or gentle and coy?

Survival Tip # 3: Say no fearlessly. And always explain yourself. Truthfully.

Having practised all the above – sometimes with success, sometimes not so, I can say that none of them come easy, but no good things in life come easy, do they? Like they say, the only free cheese is in a mousetrap. You’ll pay a price for trying them out, yes. But then you are anyway paying a price for not trying……